E True Hollywood Stories: Pallidbust, the man

It's time to put a human touch on everybody's favorite author.

I came across this survey in a file I filled out on myspace a time ago, back when I was a fool and on myspace. Just vanilla on myspace, no spanking, though I hinted here and there, as I am perverted and obsessive about it. I'm not making this up: a bunch of school friends decided (as in made a pact) to not email me, and to ignore my emails, until I got on myspace, as I was slowing down everyones communications. Bastards. After a few years I decided my dignity was more important than fellowship. No man is an island, entire of himself. Well, that's probably true. If so, then Pallidbust is a peninsula. Or perhaps an isthmus. Is there a word of an island in a lake or pond?

But I saved this survey because I needed to spell check it. Here is an inside look into the brain and dark sordid life of Pallidbust. Mothers, hide you babies. Husbands, hide your wives.

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
No, but I have been given an onion ring. Ironically, it cost the giver two months salary, as he was homeless.

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
Alcohol, 13 years. The only time we were ever apart was when I was in the hospital for three days. Liver failure or something, doctors talk too fast. Scrubs is quite accurate.

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
A scar from the bullet of a gun of a man I thought long dead. This isn't over, Garibaldi!!!

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
Can an "angry hurl" be considered a "drop"?

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
This afternoon, listening to NPR. Holding back my rage is like a 5K.

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
Porn. And Bibles. I have this compulsion with buying Bibles. And porn.

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
I can tell you the last thing I was hungry for: justice

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Her breast size, unless she's not facing me or a mirror is behind her, in which case I notice her ass first. Or her smile, if it's really dark except for a light over her face.

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
"Turn to You" by the Go-Go's. Hey, stop laughing at me.... Screw you!

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Trapped near the inner circle of thought.

11.
Is this a trick question? Ok.... I answer... 4?

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
greedyincompetentshitheads, Inc.

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
Depends on the exits and where the mall security cop is... heh heh heh...

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
The only Job I know is the one in the Bible, and I don't know how tall he was. Who the Hell names their kid Job? Why not name him Sisyphus if you hate him so much?

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
No. I bet them and lost.

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
I prank assault sometimes, when I'm bored and they appear old and weak.

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, William Blake, because that poem has an open bar, dude!

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
If I won the lottery, my best friend would be an agent for a Swiss Bank whose name I don't yet know.

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
This question is a paradox, as I don't like to be around someone, and a friend is supposed to give you what you want, so my "best" friend would be the one who has left me the alone the longest, which would be Jimmy, but the only reason he hasn't pestered me for so long is because I killed him for breaking my Starscream Transformer action figure.... tricky.

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
Depends on the toy of the month.

21.BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"-FDR. Audacious fool, did they not have Animal Planet to terrorize people with flying sharks and giant spiders back then? A lot of things scare me. Step Ladders especially. Oh... well, I guess FDR didn't have to worry about step ladders like the rest of us. Oops!

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
In their beds of course. It's hard to drug a person into waking paralysis when they are awake.

24. CAN YOU COOK?
I can cook in a kitchen, but I can sizzle anywhere. yeah, baaaaabeeeeeeeeee.

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
The Burgundy October

26. BEST KISSER?
Though I am a righty, I think my left haymaker makes the best impact.

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
The time I saw that insurance commercial where Godzilla teaches his son, Godzooki, how to spew radioactive flame on Japanese people. I have father issues.

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
Anything that has a good lawyer.

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
Either my ability to make the little people around me feel important or my height.

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
The half dead flutterings of my conscience.

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
I don't work, I divine.

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
I don't know the title, but that Eastern European girl on the crossbar whipping post was very... gifted. Gifted AND talented.

34. CAN YOU SING?
Not for you, copper.

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
Concerts... the places where you can pay a dirty roadie to stand for three hours around dirty hippies and listen to someone play your own CDs. Sorry, my brain functions, so I don't attend concerts.

36. LAST KISS?
Would be the Kiss of Death, wouldn't you think? Unless you get unlucky and your county/parish coroner is a necrophiliac.

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
I'm sure it was a season of Scrubs. Er, I mean an artistic French film by... a French film maker who is now dead... yet celebrated by... The New Yorker?

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
Garibaldi's eyes burned into mine. This isn't over, Garibaldi!!

39. FAVORITE vacation spot
Either my bedroom or my living room, depending on how tired I am.

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
Well it depends, doesn't it? For a computation and data storage machine, or as a weapon?

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
No BS, Brian Regan is the funniest human extant, and on 03/28/08, I saw him in my hometown. At the end of the show people winced out of the theater, holding their ribs, laughing and crying from the humor and the pain. The man is a genius. The call girl I took also thought he was funny. What? I had two tickets!

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
My kink is moody and unpredictable.

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
My memories of Montenegro, so I don't get to sleep easy... and I don't sleep long. Damn you Garibaldi, this isn't over!!

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?
I am so fucking tired of this Opraesque, fashion magazine "dilemma". Do you fucking love each other? Jesus... it's called phone sex and webcams, you drama queens.

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
Pulled over? As in, complied peacefully? Never.

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
Depends on whom I'm eating them off. If she's tough enough, a nice steaming column of pancakes.

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
I like coffee if it helps the waitress bring me my Diet Coke faster. And yes, waitress. I like to be waited on by the ladies.

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Unfertilized.

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
I believe it works on lonely drunk women.

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
It wasn't a person, it was my student loan officer.

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
See Question 54.

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:
SLO: WE WANT OUR $

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
Ahhhhhh.... I got nothing. This question isn't funny.

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
A patina of shame.

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
Looking like a tramp/like a video vamp
little missa innocent/can I be ya man?

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?
Who are PB and J? Is PB me, Pallidbust? I don't like any jelly on me. I would think the girl who is to lick it off should decide.

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
I can play like I can play pool. Can I get the balls in the holes? Yes, but with my hands, not those stick things.

63. CAN YOU SWIM?
Like running, I swim when chased.

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
Are they're many rappers named Ice Cream? I fear they will have to "cap" each other, because there can only be one MC Ice Cream.

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
I'm not going to answer this question.

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
I masturbate to pictures of people on my Myspace Friends List.
Every. Single. Day.
Both genders.

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
Is "justice" at a criminal justice hearing a "theme"?

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON
Salt.

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
Ahhhh... yes, the Democratic Party Primary.

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
I don't wake up. I stir when a hobbit steals some of treasure. Then I arise.

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
Protesters whining about Global Warming loosing fingers.

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
Damn you, Garibaldi!!

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
The restraining order wont let me talk about her.

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:
I don't know, let me consult MTV.

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
I'm guessing it involves my TV.

78. BIRTHDATE
OK... I've come too far not to finish this damn thing, but this is a lame ass question.

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
Above the Law, so really I just want to continue.

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
No, I'm on a chair--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
No, nothing small and helpless is dying in my fists right now. I'm typing.

89. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
Garibaldi!!

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
Where everyone knows my name.... and owes me money.

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
I look back on high school like Senator John McCain looks back on a former French colony in Southeast Asia.

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
I have a vice... crush is a verb I do with the vice when someone tries to love me. No matter how much they thought they loved me, the vice educated them all.

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
Depends on the drunk and desperate woman with father issues at the bar.

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
Don't have one--commando!!

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
I don't know when Shark Week is, but I'm there with an apple for teacher, sister.

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
Yes, I went on a vacation--from innocence.

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
Sharks belong on my TV, not under my feet.

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
I'm white, so, are black women still my sister? Or Sista, as you would, if you will, as it where. If a guy tried to hurt a black woman, I'd kill him because I'm a big damn hero, so I think I should be able to call black women "sister", but I don't know the etiquette and protocol.

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
Yes, I'm afraid the calls are coming FROM THE ATTIC!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, hot young BABYSITTER!! Squad cars are on the way, but GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!

101. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?:
Yes. There was this one brilliant doctor, truly dedicated, who brought my "mark" back to life.

Rule Four: Always finish the job. The client wont pay God for Acts of God. The client pays for the kill.

102. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
Ring of ears. Italian ears. Just eleven, though. Not a complete set. Damn you, Garibaldi, this isn't over!!

103. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
Write a book! Or read a book... or download porn.

PB